Personal diary

A place for my more vulnerable and personalthoughts. A part of me wondered if I should make this page public but I figured out that a. I am very nosy and if anyone else wrote about this stuff I'd read it so this is for my fellow nosy community and b. some of these things could be relatable to people and maybe could make them feel more okay with those experiences. You aren't alone, that's a very basic sentiment, but it doesn't hurt to be reminded of it. So that's that, here's my weird brain dump.

God please take your meds

So here's the situation: I suck at making phonecalls, doing things and engaging in activities. But jokes aside I did severely neglect rescheduling my psychiatrist appointment after stupidly missing the one I was supposed to have in October. That wouldn't be that much of an issue if I didn't always get my meds prescription after said appointments. So for the past month I was slowly running out of my meds and partially going into withdrawls for the past week because of my inability to just call my doctor. I don't know what's wrong with me either, this is the one thing I consistently suck at lol. Now the good news: I finally got my paws on a prescription and the appointment is scheduled. But not really taking my meds consistently has already sort of affected me, more than I thought it would honestly. Tw for talking about self harm ideations (didn't do anything just had a weird moment). Firstly, my sleep schedule got fucked and I started to neglect my sleep. Now I do also kinda blame my current Minecraft phase for this, I'm grinding, but still. But the more alarming thing happened today. I realized I forgot to do an assignment for school which I at first thought I needed to complete to be able to take the final test for that class (turns out I might be okay but whatevs) and in that moment my pure diseased withdrawl-ridden brain went: I have to punish myself. Like two years ago this would mean self harm and it was scary to think how set on this idea I was in the moment. I managed to snap out of it and remind myself of the lack of mood stabilizers in my blood stream but it still kinda scared me. I was so certain that that was what needed to be done. I was ready to completely drop my nearly two year streak of being clean over a class I don't even need that badly. I guess where I'm going with this is don't make impulsive decisions and take your meds. That same impulsivity got me hospitalized so... yeah I should learn from my own bullshit I'm afraid. x.x

Gender? I hardly know her

Decided to put this here instead of my normal blog not because it's necessarily dark but because I'm maybe a bit insecure about this and I don't want it on full blast there. I'll be honest - I don't really know what my gender is and I don't really care at this point. It's weird because it feels like I used to be so sure and now, 21 years of age, I have no clue again. I stopped caring about my pronouns and like I would say I'm a "guy" but also... not really? I know I'm not a girl but I also don't really mind the concept and femininity is honestly pretty fun. And really it's all just that for me: fun. I put on make up and I doll myself up because it's fun and I feel hot and I get really masculine another day for the same reasons. It's not a pretty big deal to me but other people don't really fuck with it lol. Not just everyday cishet people but also the queer community to an extent because you don't have a nice label that lets people know how to perceive you. So I've just been in this limbo and if somebody asks the answer is: any pronouns are cool and I don't really care what you perceive me as, I'm chilling. Existing here as "lease on life" has honestly been quite fun because I just sort of feel like this emorphous blob of sentient code that drops something here and there. I don't know, those were just some thoughts I've been having.

Guy with non-existent relationship experience gets fucked in a club bathroom

This is about to get freakyyy but I have no one to tell about this lol. So I never had a lot of people lining up to date me in my teenage years, I had a thing with my friend that ended at holding hands, had a situationship online (do NOT do that), had a relationship that never went past kissing (for various reasons) and that was it for me these past few years. I actually began thinking that relationships weren't for me after being with my most recent ex. I damn near convinced myself I'm aroace since I just didn't feel really well in that relationship. I was confused since the media especially really hypes up romance and I was NOT having fun, didn't really feel comfortable, couldn't really relax around them, it was weird. But given I had nothing else to compare it I just thought that was what relationships were like. I thought that me crying all the time, feeling like shit, being angry was a me problem. But I don't think that's true now, turns out love actually feels way different and it is that good.

So time skip to 2024/25. I started going to an english class because I just needed something to do after highschool and I didn't wanna get a job truthfully. In said class I sort of needed a way to entertain myself and what better way is there than a class crush. So I picked a guy who at the time I found slightly insufferable and weird. But that turned into an actual crush once I started to get to know him better. Skip to June 2025 and we go out drinking like pals™ which somehow quickly devolves into us making out? I still don't know what was in the beer that day and honestly I can only partially remember that evening in general. This launched me into a historical crisis. I was baffled someone like that could actually like me and I was horrified I'd get fucked over and hurt again. But then... I didn't? And the more we spent time together the safer I felt with this guy and I actually felt comfortable and happy. That was crazy to me not even gonna lie.

Now the freak of it all - my guy is honestly a bit of a whore and that's what it is, not like I give a shit. EXCEPT for the fact that I was very much a virgin with a couple kisses under my belt. That's it. And now you have this individual who has you sloppy style against a wall.. But in the end I think this was a good combo. Of course diving into sex with nothing but hopes and prayers is inevitably gonna be a bit awkward and experimental on my part but I never felt judged by him and it's actually quite nice to have someone there that knows what they're doing (feels better too lmao). So I've slowly been feeling my way around all of this and I'm glad it's with him. I never really wanted to "save myself" for someone but if I did this fella would be my choice.

Not even sure where I'm going with this other than the fact that I'm grateful. My message for the masses is that: love is supposed to feel good, don't let yourself be mislead into thinking weeping over someone and hurting half the time is what you deserve.

Some thoughts

I've been thinking a bit about the way I used to be. Since maybe the age of 13 I've been stuck in a cycle of sleep deprivation, starvation and self-hatered and now, nearly 20, for the first time I managed to break out of it. And it honestly makes me so sad that I had to go through that. I get a good 8-9 hours of sleep these days and when I don't I'm DRAINED - so to think that I used to go months on 3-5 hours is haunting. But I got used to it. I was used to starving and being exhausted all the time and somehow still managed to function. I was a kid though, I shouldn't have been in that place. But I was and I was alone. Partly I did that to myself, I kept myself in that situation by rarely reaching out but what's important is the why I didn't reach out. Because the few times I did it was either ignored, mocked or used against me. That still happens from time to time but when I was younger I couldn't protect myself from it like I can now.

Weight is a fucking curse

Starting this off: I couldn't admit to myself that I have an eating disorder for as long as I've had it. Never really brought it up with any professionals because well - in my eyes I didn't have a problem. But I did lose some weight and when people noticed I brought up how I was so busy I basically forgot to eat or how when my depression got worse I lost my apetite. Half of it was true, the other was me counting calories and beating myself up when going over what was maybe a third of my actual recommended intake. I lost weight and hell, I liked it. I felt good about myself it wasn't even that other people pointed it out I got addicted to my own approval.

My grandmother saw me for the first time in 6 months and the very first thing she said to me were about how skinny I got. She then brought it up at least two more times, both of which were in front of different people, making me feel like I was getting ridiculed in front of and by my own family. The more she repeated I should gain weight, the more my brain insisted I should starve. I hate it. I hate myself for not even saying anything to it, I usually just stare at the ground.

My starving habits are really horrible too, I can admit that now. The worst part is that I like the way that it feels, I've gotten so used to it that the pain is so familiar it doesn't bother me too much. I even seek it out sometimes, like, how am I supposed to know I'm hungry if it doesn't hurt? There's also this feeling of cleanliness that I get with it. If I starve I'll stay pretty and clean and I feel gross after eating. I can barely bring half of this stuff up with people, I don't know who, I always try to test the waters by bringing up only some of the topic but I haven't been met with a reaction that would invite me to dive in deeper. Therapy, sure, but I still feel ashamed of all this sometimes.

There are just things that I have a hard time bringing up, this being one of those. Partially I feel so cruel saying these words, even thinking them. I would never treat another person like this, never, I never want to make anyone feel badly about the way they look or their body. Hell, I love bigger bodies on other people so why is it so hard to swallow the idea of mine gaining a bit? Is it some standard I've set for myself? Expectations that only I have? I'm not sure. But it hurts no matter what I do with it.

The fear of getting worse

This might be a bit niche but it's something I've been thinking about. As someone who has been dealing with mental illness for years now I can tell you it's an uphill battle a lot of the times. People will tell you that healing isn't linear and whatnot - it still sucks when you inevitably stumble a bit. And those stumbles terrify me. After getting professional help I feel like this "fear of getting worse" only intensified. Like I should feel better now and I honestly do but when I have a bad day or just a slight decline I feel so judged by everyone, especially my family. It sometimes feels like they don't even believe I got better in the first place and they're just waiting for me to screw things up so-to-say. And at this point I'm not sure if I'm scared of the actual bad days or how I will be percieved by others during them.

It makes me feel angry, oddly self-righteous as well. I'm just weirdly haunted by the idea of failing. I have been feeling this pressure on me for a while now and it sucks that I can't even exist these days without feeling like I'm either messing everything up or I'm going to sometime in the near future.

It's been really hard for me to pull myself together and I sometimes still don't feel 100% well, that's probably impossible anyway, and I don't need people pointing out how often I fell back into the same patterns. I want to be good, I really do, I think I put a lot of work in that everyday and I just wish people appreciated it without waiting for me to slip again.